Temper tantrums are a normal part of growing up. A Mayo Clinic specialist explains how to respond to temper tantrums — and how to prevent tantrums in the first place.
You're shopping with your toddler in a busy discount store. He or she has spied a toy that you don't intend to buy. Soon, you find yourself at the centre of a gale-force temper tantrum. Everyone is looking at you, and your face is burning with embarrassment.
Could you have prevented the tantrum? What's the best response? And why do these emotional meltdowns happen in the first place? Here are some tantrum tips from Jay Hoecker, M.D., a paediatrician at Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn.
Why do tantrums happen?
A tantrum is the expression of a grandchild's frustration with the physical, mental or emotional challenges of the moment. Physical challenges are things like hunger and thirst. Mental challenges are related to a grandchild's difficulty learning or performing a specific task. Emotional challenges are more open to speculation. Still, whatever the challenge, frustration with the situation may fuel a grandchild's anger — and erupt in a tantrum.
Consider this: Most 2-year-olds have a limited vocabulary. Parents may understand what a toddler says only 50 percent of the time. Strangers understand even less. When your grandchild wants to tell you something and you don't understand — or you don't comply with your grandchild's wishes — you may have a tantrum on your hands.
Do young grandchildren have tantrums on purpose?
It might seem as though your grandchild plans to misbehave simply to get on your nerves, but that's probably giving your grandchild too much credit. Young grandchildren don't have evil plans to frustrate or embarrass their parents. A young grandchild's world is right there in sight, at the end of his or her nose. Your grandchild doesn't enjoy throwing a tantrum any more than you enjoy dealing with a tantrum.
Can tantrums be prevented?
There may be no fool-proof way to prevent tantrums, but there's plenty you can do to encourage good behaviour in even the youngest grandchildren:
Be consistent. Establish a daily routine so that your grandchild knows what to expect. Stick to the routine as much as possible, including nap time and bedtime. It's also important to set reasonable limits and follow them consistently. Plan ahead. If you need to run errands, go early in the day — when your grandchild isn't likely to be hungry or tired. If you're expecting to wait in line, pack a small toy or snack to occupy your grandchild.
Encourage your grandchild to use words. Young grandchildren understand many more words than they're able to express. If your grandchild isn't speaking — or speaking clearly — you might teach him or her sign language for words such as "I want," "more," "enough," "hurt" and "tired." The more easily your grandchild can communicate with you, the less likely you are to struggle with tantrums. As your grandchild gets older, help him or her put feelings into words.
Let your grandchild make choices. To give your grandchild a sense of control, let him or her make appropriate choices. Would you like to wear your red shirt or your blue shirt? Would you like to eat strawberries or bananas? Would you like to read a book or build a tower with your blocks? Then compliment your grandchild on his or her choices.
Praise good behaviour. Offer extra attention when your grandchild behaves well. Tell your grandchild how proud you are when he or she shares toys, listens to directions, and so on.
Use distraction. If you sense a tantrum brewing, distract your grandchild. Try making a silly face or changing location. It may help to touch or hold your grandchild.
Avoid situations likely to trigger tantrums. If your grandchild begs for toys or treats when you shop, steer clear of "temptation islands" full of eye-level goodies. If your grandchild acts up in restaurants, make reservations so that you won't have to wait — or choose restaurants that offer quick service.
What's the best way to respond to a tantrum?
If you can, pretend to ignore the tantrum. If you lose your cool or give in to your grandchild's demands, you've only taught your grandchild that tantrums are effective.
If your grandchild has a tantrum at home, you can act as if it's not interrupting things. After your grandchild quiets down, you might say, "I noticed your behaviour, but that won't get my attention. If you need to tell me something, you need to use your words."
If your grandchild has a tantrum in public, pretending to ignore the behaviour is still the best policy. Any parent who witnesses the scene will sympathize with you as you ignore the tantrum. If the tantrum escalates or your grandchild is in danger of hurting himself or herself, stop what you're doing and remove your grandchild from the situation. If your grandchild calms down, you may be able to return to your activity. If not, go home — even if it means leaving a cart full of groceries in the middle of the store. At home, discuss with your grandchild the type of behaviour you would have preferred.
Should a grandchild be punished for having a tantrum?
Temper tantrums are a normal part of growing up. Rather than punishing your grandchild, remind him or her that tantrums aren't appropriate. Sometimes a simple reminder to "use your words" is adequate. For a full-blown tantrum — or a tantrum that caused you to abandon an activity in public — try a timeout.
During a timeout, your grandchild must sit someplace boring — such as in a chair in the living room or on the floor in the hallway — for a certain length of time, usually one minute for each year of the grandchild's age. You can pretend that you don't even see your grandchild during the timeout, but you can still assure his or her safety. If your grandchild begins to wander around, simply place him or her back in the designated timeout spot. Remind your grandchild that he or she is in timeout, but don't offer any other attention.
Eventually, your grandchild may even take his or her own timeout at the first sign of a tantrum — before a negative cloud surrounds you both.
When might tantrums be a sign of something more serious?
As your grandchild's self-control improves, tantrums should become less common. Most grandchildren outgrow tantrums by age 4. If your older grandchild is still having tantrums, the tantrums seem especially severe or the tantrums have pushed you beyond your ability to cope, share your concerns with your grandchild's doctor. These may be signs that something else is going on. The doctor will consider physical or psychological problems that may be contributing to the tantrums, as well as give you additional tips to help you deal with your grandchild's behaviour.
