If your grandchild is acting out, crouch down so that you are at eye level and talk directly to them. When you want your grandchild to really hear what you are saying you need to have eye to eye contact. If your grandchild is very upset this is a helpful tool, put your hand gently on their shoulder, or stroke their hair, this allows connection, is calming and comforting.
Talk on their level, and describe a task in such a way that your grandchild will understand. It is helpful to give a clear step by step account of what you expect to happen.
The need to be flexible regarding the timing of your requests is important. If your grandchild is tired, or hungry, they are more likely to have a meltdown, or become difficult. Try to have a variety of voices,” I want you to do something” voice,” we are going to have fun” voice,” I care about you “voice, etc, try to use different voices to get your message across. If it doesn’t work the first time, try a different voice.
Don’t become your grandchild’s friend. It is harder to discipline a child if you do. They will be more cooperative in the end if you are the adult. It is important for your grandchild to know that you care about them, snuggle up on the couch, read a story and stay connected with them and they will try and please.
If your grandchild is stuck on an issue and won’t listen, don’t get into a power struggle. Change the subject try and distract them from what the issue. Tell your grandchild that you can see they are upset and that you will talk to them later about the problem. This skill will help your grandchild through life.
A good form of distraction is to get your grandchild to change positions, i.e. get them to stand up and go and get something for you. This shifts their attention away from the issue that is troubling them and they may very well deal with the situation in a better manner.
There are three steps that need to be taken when your grandchild doesn’t want to listen but needs to. They are:
Listen: Allow your grandchild to express themselves and then repeat and reflect what they have said so that they know you really heard them. “You don’t want to go to school, because you are just too tired.”
Confirm: “I hear what you are saying and it’s not easy when you are tired,”
Call the shot: “Sometimes we have to do things even though it’s difficult.”
For some children this will do the trick. If your grandchild has a meltdown, just say “I know it’s difficult and yet you still have to go.” Then repeat, “I know it’s difficult when you are so tired.” Your grandchild needs to know that you feel for them and understand how it is sometimes you have to repeat it many times till the message sinks in.
In a power struggle both sides want to win. This can be possible. Give your grandchild choices. For example, let your grandchild have two choices of clothing to wear to school or kindergarten, too many choices and it becomes confusing for them and could create havoc for all concerned. If your grandchild insists on doing something that is not acceptable to you, use the following method which will allow your grandchild to have some sense of control. “You have to go to bed now, you can walk or I can carry you to your room.” A side benefit of this method is that it encourages your grandchild to think for themselves and practise making good decisions.
The most important contributors to healthy self esteem in our grandchild are feeling that they are loved, a feeling a sense of achievement, a sense of belonging and that they are safe. Let your grandchild do age appropriate tasks on their own which will help them achieve the self esteem that they so desperately need.
Emphasise the positives i.e. “you did a great job of that”, “good listening” etc. Your grandchild will be more likely to cooperate with you and feel good about what they have done and they will want to please you.
Sometimes this is difficult to do especially if your grandchild is trying your patience. In reality it means that your grandchild wants attention, connection and interaction with you. Negative attention and discipline are forms of interaction. Don’t turn a blind eye when a situation arises that needs discipline. Ensure that your grandchild hears more than enough approval and praise to counteract the discipline. Positive messages will reinforce positive behaviour.
As grandparents we want our grandchild to do things that they have a hard time with. “Do as I say, not as I do” does not work. If you want your grandchild to clean his/her room then yours should be tidy as well. You need to be the role model for your grandchild.
If you want your grandchild to have a certain set of values you must live by those same set of values consistently.
It is very important that grandma and grandpa have the same set of rules. Try to work them out; being on the same page is very important especially when you are seeking cooperation from your grandchild. This will help relieve conflict issues that may arise.
